Dancing machine.

Confessions of an ex-JUMPer.

Here I am once again with another emo post. It just so happens that many fellow fangirls of mine have been asking me about the reasons why I broke up with Hey! Say! JUMP. I haven't really clarified it in my previous posts about my departure from the fandom, so I'll state it down briefly right here.

There is no main reason why I left. I actually have a number of reasons. But for the sake of my wondering friends, I'm going to let it all out one by one:

1) I was becoming greedy. My parents are giving me good money just to feel HSJ's presence in my life. Mom knows well how much they made me happy, and so for the sake of avoiding my child-like tantrums, she gave me what we both thought I needed. Being so undeniably spoiled, I practically begged with threats just to fly, and spend every single penny I had just to be where they were. Yes, I am not even exaggerating. I go there just to watch them. And you know how much money I'm wasting? Of course you do. And that's how crazy I was.

2) Rather than inspiration, JUMP was becoming an utter distraction. Since it became my obsession, I've never had the chance to concentrate. My priorities were put aside, and my lust for them took over me as a whole. Why, how and when I started to transform, I have no idea. All I know is that I stopped studying, and paused everything I used to love doing. I was isolated in this own world wherein all I could think and breathe was them. Even if they were the cause of my smiles before, I just can't go back. I couldn't.

3) The news about HK tour. I didn't know what to feel. Should I be appalled? Should I be amused? Should I be ashamed of those fellow JUMPers who had absolutely no humility at all? I don't know. All that I know was that I wasn't liking it one bit. I didn't know which side to defend. HK fans were different, yes. But that's just about it. They're not Japanese, and it was the very first time JUMP ever visited, so what did they expect? A more peaceful welcome? Aren't they supposed to be happy? HK fans only wanted to express the outcome of their love through hard work. I expected JUMP to handle it professionally, but instead, they complained. They angered on the cultural shock they had experienced. What does an intelligent and very wide awake fangirl have to think? I loved them to bits, even at that time! Little did I know, one day I just had to heal from this blindness. That was when I started my rehabilitation.

4) After expressing all my thoughts on twitter, Facebook and livejournal, I gained a lot of hate mails. I don't understand how and why the fandom became this much intoxicated on HSJ's love. What happened to an honest and open-minded fangirl like me was this: I was hated not because I kept ranting of how annoying this whole thing turned out to be, but because I started to become honest. For the first time in my life I noticed all of the flaws.

Right then I just knew that I had to learn. I had to grow up. My life had to go on because of the nothingness this love was giving me. I WAS SO MUCH IN LOVE WITH HSJ, IT WAS STARTING TO HURT. And as much as it pierces me right now, I cannot deny that I do miss them, and that I still feel that small pain whenever I see them, whenever I hear them, and whenever I see how successful they have become ever since I left. HSJ made me happy, even if in the end we'd end up "Just Friends."

I've lost the will to call myself a JUMPer, I've deleted every picture I have, I've sold some of the merchandise I used to worship so much and just plain stopped, cleansed and rehabilitated.

In the end, I just couldn't be bitter. Even I know well why I simply can't be. They still make me smile occasionally, but this doesn't mean I will ever feel the same anytime soon.

I'm an EXOTIC now. I'm a Shawol too. Of course still forever a-MUSE, and an AKB fan at heart, but this is just me, starting out fresh again, trying to avoid my previous mistakes as a fangirl. I just know that I can't afford another heartbreak from this. Just like that first, second, and third break up of mine, someday I know I'll completely move on from being a JUMPer.

And so ends my post here. Long and exaggerated to some, am I right? I hope it turns out meaningful to others. You can't always take my word for it. Just keep in mind that a boy band is just a boy band, and even if you pour out all your affection, they will remain in this certain position in your life.

No matter how much feelings you show, and no matter how much you spend, someday you will learn that life needs to keep going. Remember that there is more to life than them.

Labels: Hey Say JUMP, jpop, life, rant

❤ "Confessions of an ex-JUMPer." was Posted On: Tuesday, July 24, 2012 @Tuesday, July 24, 2012 | 0 lovely comments ✿

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